Hey guys! So today I felt like doing a more personal blog post and a 'get a cuppa and sit comfortable' kinda post. Today's topic is depression and anxiety as this is something I have suffered with in the past but I battled through like a soldier, respect to all the real, brave soldiers out there fighting for out country btw. But today I want you guys to be brave soldiers in a way and know that you are all worthy and special in your own ways, your friends and family love you and everything will be okay eventually, I promise you.
This is my story, you can scroll down to certain sections if you are only interested in certain parts:)
I don't really know when my depression began exactly, I was bullied a lot through primary school, or middle school I think is the equivalent to our English primary school for you Americans. It was nothing too serious back then, just the little tiffs you would get in primary schools. But then I started secondary, which I think is high school, but don't quote me on that one haha! Anyway, when secondary school started, there was this one girl who seemed to really have it in for me since day one, she tried to take my best friend away from me and tried to make me be alone in ways. So I didn't really know what to do, I've always been quite shy in a way and quiet. Timid you could say. So I kinda just put up with it, but then as every school has, the rumors started, nothing too bad, but enough to make people question me. I again dealt with this and kept quiet. But it got to a point where the lies she made up about me began to upset me, and she somehow managed to turn everyone against me, so I stopped going to school. I didn't go to school for months, I just disappeared, I didn't want to leave my house at all. So I guess this is kinda where it began.
The stress and worry of thinking about eventually having to go back to school at some point brought on my first period, it was okay, but then it got really heavy and to a point where I was rushed into hospital for losing too much blood. I was put into a children's ward the first time and I was there for a few days. They took a lot, and I mean a lot of blood samples from me and also did other tests such as an ultrasound to see what was in my stomach or uterus, I don't know but they looked inside me okay! So that was pretty scary, I was asked weird questions like 'are you abused at home?' or 'when you've visited your dad has he sexually abused you?' which to me was very scary and upsetting, since I was only around 12 years old. And just to say, no I was never abused as a child, I have always had a loving and caring upbringing.
I was eventually put onto some medication and discharged, only to be rushed back in a week later. Soo the second time I was there they did more tests on me, another ultrasound, a few x-rays and they wanted to do another test which I have no idea what it's called but basically they put a camera up your personal parts and yeah you can guess how scared I was at this point. They didn't get the permission to do that test though so I was put onto different medication to stop the bleeding completely because I was at the stage where I needed a blood transfusion, luckily, I just managed to miss this as the tablets kicked in quickly. Buut, my medication was 21 tablets a day. Yes, 21, at 12 years old. I was discharged again eventually but on strict bed rest, so my mum looked after me day and night bless her heart haha. I'm so blessed to have such caring family. Not so long after, I was rushed in again for the third and final time. This time my medication was lowered to 2 tablets which was more effective. They didn't do many more tests, just ultrasounds but nothing was found.
I went through all the doctors in the hospital who knew anything about the menstrual cycle or any doctors curious enough to try to solve the problem, but like I said, to this day no one knows what happened with my body and they can only put it down to stress. I'm still on those 2 tablets today, having only one period a year to have a break. But what scared me the most was that I wondered for months what was wrong with me and why I was different. I began to wonder if I was supposed to be in this world, or what my point in living was since I seemed to be an 'unsolvable problem'.
I eventually went back to school, and people did wonder where I had been at first, but it became clear that the girl from the beginning had been lying and I was once again happy. But I received a test message one day while at home, I didn't know the number, but it said I should go kill myself, because no one cares about me and the world would be a better place without me. My mum instantly rang the number, and what shocked me and shook me the most was that my best friend answered the phone call. As you can imagine, I felt betrayed and shocked at this point, and you may think this is a joke but this is a true story, I wish it wasn't. It turned out that my best friend had supposedly been threatened to send the text by the girl from the beginning. Looking back, I wonder how someone could be so evil and twisted to do those things.
I began self harming shortly after, I believed that the world would be a better place without me, I believed that no one cared. It started with small cuts, anywhere I felt like harming on my body. But they got deeper, and bigger, because I liked the pain. I would have to cover all my body in long sleeved clothes, I self harmed for a year without anyone noticing. You may be thinking, 'how didn't your family notice?'. Well it was pretty easy as I normally covered up a lot, self conscious of my body already, and England doesn't really have a summer so it was never too hot for long sleeved clothes. But friends began to notice at school, I was in a better place at school, a big group of friends and trustworthy ones, and they told me I should see a doctor, I disagreed and pushed them away at first. I eventually realized that they were right, I didn't want to be this way anymore. It had got to the point where I was trying to overdose myself on tablets, I hated what I had become.
At the doctors, they questioned me on how I felt, if I felt demotivated, and if I lost interest in my hobbies. All of which were true. He advised a counselor so I went to weekly sessions with a counselor at my school. These helped a lot, it lasted normally an hour, I sometimes dreading going to them, but I always felt so much better afterwards. A lot of the sessions I would cry, she'd give me a tissue and be supportive. So I guess my point is that telling someone really does help, and you will eventually feel better, my family was supportive when I told them and so were friends. Never believe what bullies may tell you, or even the dark parts of your mind throughout depression. You are worthy and you deserve to be happy. You are you and no one can take that away from you. You have the power to stand up to that dark voice inside your head and get on the road to recovery. It will be hard at times, but it's possible, and I, your family, and friends, support you all the way.
I still suffer from anxiety and panic attacks sometimes, but it used to be quite often when I was going through depression. I couldn't be in crowded places, I would panic and I would feel faint. I found it hard to breathe at times and I couldn't focus, everything was just a blur. I found that if I tried to focus on one thing, like a friend or the person your with, or a certain place to look at, it calmed me and I could come out of the panic attack quicker than without focusing. I'm sure there are other ways, which I'll look into and do another blog post maybe to help anyone who may need it:) But that's just what helped me and how I kinda coped through it.
So I hope any of that helped anyone haha, it was a whopper of a post! I'm sorry about that I just felt that it could maybe help someone and I felt like doing more of a personal blog post today. If anyone would like me to do a post on the things that helped me stop self harming and how I became clean from it then please comment below and I'd be happy to as I learnt a few ways both from experience and doctors:) I just felt like this post is already too long haha! Leave any questions you may have in the comments below or even anything you want to say and I will happily reply when I can:)
Or you can tweet at me or comment on my instagram @ georgeaaxo :)
And always remember, you're worthy of your place in this world and things do get better with time.
Georgia x
